Why is it that the things we know we should do, and even things we love to do, we procrastinate? Then we feel guilty later for not doing the things that we know will help achieve our goals.
This is a classic example of what famous psychiatrist, Bergler, would call the wish to suffer. We feel repressed, and so we look for distractions that are instant gratifications, rather than doing the things that we know will help achieve our real goals. It is a constant battle between I.D. and Super Ego, as Freud so famously taught Bergler. It is our unconscious wish to suffer that puts us in these patterns of procrastination, that lead to our feelings of regret. In our globalized world where time and space are increasingly sped up, but where our consumerist culture creates cravings for instant gratification, we get caught up doing everything but, that which we know we should. Our media consumption is also sped up, with rampant smartphone use causing people to become addicted to consuming the highlight reels of fictional personas we all create through social media sites. We become consumed with comparing our lives to the false, carefully constructed framings and profiles. We are constantly made to feel inadequate by comparison, even if deep down our Super Ego knows it is not real, our ID is addicted to being attracted to these contrived images. Yet, we are expected to document all the highlights. When we fall off on posting, we feel guilty thinking, “if I do not post about it, the event loses some of its worth. What was the point of the makeup, hair and outfit selection process if no one even gets to see it?” This way of thinking is dangerous, because if we buy into this notion we fail to live in the moment and actually enjoy what we are doing at the time. We are less present. It also feeds into this culture of competition and one-upmanship. I never felt bad about posting after the fact until recently. Living in the moment, always took precedence over how hot and current my profile looked. But in a world where social media is increasingly important to one’s personal brand, especially in the fashion industry, I constantly find myself feeling guilty for having too much to post about, and too little time. I suppose this is why brands have entire social media departments now. I increasingly find myself wondering, if it happened, but I did not post about it, was it even worth happening?
Apps like Snapchat have allowed for instant social media interaction. But for apps like Instagram, where your photos must be carefully curated, filtered and edited I often wonder how we are expected to post anything other than #latergrams. I am a busy person, between bookings, castings, submissions, shoot planning, painting, social obligations, working out and volunteering, I find myself constantly seeking time slots where I can multitask to keep up with social media on all the different platforms to which I belong. Here are some recent snapchats that I wanted to post, but still have not gotten around to:
All this to say, I too fall prey to such toxic cycles of scrolling with envy of these fantasy lives to distract from what I know I should be doing to achieve my goals and create my own fantasy life. I often say yes to everyone except myself. Always helping people with their artistic projects, their visions, act as a doll, a canvas for a makeup artist, a labourer at every and any event, a chauffeur…anything to distract myself from the fact that I am not where I want to be in my life.
Like in any road to recovery or change, recognizing the problem is the first step. Finally, I am beginning to say no to people and put my own goals first. I feel like I am getting back to the woman I was in high school, the nerdy, jock, artsy chick who did not care if no one liked her, because she was achieving her own goals. I am finally starting to feel like me again.
I plan to do more of my art and post more. In the meantime, forgive me for some of these long overdue posts. Here are some “behind-the-scenes” photos from the first shoot I officially styled. This shoot occurred three weeks ago and would definitely tie into the life-changing experience I had at Coachella, something I have meant to post about for months and will be the topic of my next blog. It’s all just a ride, make sure you don’t miss it while you are trying to record it.
I will update this post with edited photographer photos, once the magazine submission process is over. But I am pretty proud of my styling using samples of for love and lemons sets I scored at an amazing sample sale, Mendocino and Free People pieces and my own accessories I have acquired over the years. Stay tuned.